Kitkat Anderson and family – comments from the sofa (possibly influenced by a bottle of wine or two)
Malta
“She’s cute but she’s nervous.”
Albania
Fire, piercing vocals. Not much else to say.
Czech Republic
“Do you know what I mean?”
“Honestly, I have no fucking clue.”
“The question is, does he know what he means?”
Sugar-coated, boyband, catchy, shit.
Germany
“Sister!!!!!!”
Not too showy, a song about women being there for women. I support.
Russia
Scream… “This song makes me want to scream from boredom…”
Mirrors, over-dramatic.
Denmark
“Lily Allen”, cutesy, international, “formulaic”.
San Moreno
“Very 70s”, took him 5 minutes to write and “you can tell”.
North Macedonia
Proud. “Disney ballad.” Simplistic. “Yes.”
Sweden
Bookie’s favourite also co-wrote the English song.
Very good voice, “typical Eurovision key change”.
Slovenia
“Are they a couple, are they just friends?”
“They met on Instagram.”
“It’s as boring as History class in Year 9 at 3pm…”
“Does she have more than one facial expression?”
“Wait, they kissed. They’re a couple.”
Cyprus
Almost naked, not a good voice.
“Is she trying to copy Madonna or lady gaga? Or both?”
“The song has repeated a good 5 times, I guess that’s why it’s called replay. They just kept replaying the chorus.”
Netherlands
Coldplay-esque. “A little meh but a good song, I guess?”
Greece
“If she went any more nasal, she’d be sneezing.”
“It would be bearable if it was in tune.”
Israel
“He looks like a meme.”
“He is a meme. Waiting to happen.”
I made it happen
“This is a Disney song.”
“No, this is a knock off Disney song. This is like someone went on Youtube and said ‘Hi, this is a song I wrote inspired by my favourite Disney movie!’ “
Norway
“It’s nice to know the My Chemical Romance’s jackets have had a comeback.”
“I really like the artwork behind it.”
“I love how you have one talented attractive man and a talented attractive woman and then this ‘ey yo’ guy. “
“It’s actually a traditional Norwegian way of singing called Joik.” Who knew?
England
“Oh, it’s teenage James Corden”
“Does anyone else feel like England is speaking English the worst so far?”
It’s actually kind of alright. Until the Eurovision key change spoils it.
“No one’s going to vote for the UK anyway, they’re all too pissed off about Brexit.”
Iceland
Hatred will prevail – “Yeah, my hatred for this song.”
“Muse on acid…”
“Did they actually think this was gonna win?”
“It’s unique.” “It’s unfortunate.” “It’s a headache.”
Estonia
We got so bored we talked about politics.
Belarus
ZENA is 16 yrs old. We all got uncomfortable with a conversation about pitying the people getting caught with young girls because she appears of age…
“I can’t work out how to take the piss out of this.”
Azerbaijan
Truth. Robots. Earworm.
“He looks like that bloke from Aladdin.”
“What, you mean Aladdin?”
“That’s the one.”
France
“Inclusivityyyyyyyy!!!”
“That’s really cool.” “Fair play to all of them”
Italy
Video watched 85 million times. I can see why.
“I have no complaints.”
Serbia
“Bloody hell, she’s beautiful. You can tell she had a good body but she’s not showing it off.”
“Yeah, she doesn’t need to.”
“My god, her voice as well.”
“I have no idea what she’s saying but I wholeheartedly agree.”
“And air guitar?! Now, she’s my favourite.”
Switzerland
No range, disgusting concept.
“Leave the screen, please.”
Australia
“I’m getting Elsa vibes.”
“That’s really cool!”
“How does she keep those notes when she’s practically horizontal?!?”
“This is so awesome… ”
“Those stilt things look uncomfortable as hell.”
“I know, they do… And yet… I wanna try them. I’ll probably break a rib and die, but there are worse ways to go!”
Spain
“I mean, he’s very passionate.”
“They’re pretty confident they won’t win, but they’re recording it to prove they were there.”
“The Queen Herself” Madonna.
“I mean I knew that Eurovision was the death of all good music, but having a funeral is a bit intense.”
“So either Madonna can’t sing in tune or Eurovision needs to invest in some better earpieces. This is shocking.”
“She really is old if she needs help getting undressed.”
“She doesn’t need to worry about singing in tune if she’s just speaking.”
“And now she’s using fuck-tons of autotune and pretending it’s a ‘stylistic choice’?”
The Winner: The Netherlands (Duncan Laurence)
Dare to Dream!
(And dare to take the piss)
The Friendly Critic 