I called it. Should have put money on it; I’d have been a millionaire by now. I always said that the new Arctic Monkeys album would be a shit Bowie rip-off.

For Fans of: David Bowie, Being that pretentious wanker who doesn’t like modern music

Not For Fans of: Arctic Monkeys

The first half of the album follows a similar blueprint to Harry Styles debut album, but removing any trace of a retainable hook. In short, that is: be as weird as possible. Atonal melodies atop predictable chord progressions. Minimalism, that sadly exists in all the wrong places.

The second half offers a little more of what we’d expect from a Monkeys record. In fact, moving forward from ‘Four Out Of Five‘ we find a sound much closer to the softer side of AM. Sadly, however, we’re still devoid of anything memorable.

And don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with experimentation. My issue is that for five albums we’ve had some of the most memorable choruses in modern alt-pop. “I bet that you look good on the dancefloor”, “Oh, the boy’s a slag/the best she’s ever had”, “But just don’t sit down cause I’ve moved your chair” and “Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways” are replaced with B-side tracks and Alan Partridge quotes marauding as lyrics.

In short: while aiming for Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino, they missed and ended up at a Travelodge with some dodgy acid. You can listen to the album if you choose. But I’ll be playing this on repeat instead, talking in riddles about how much better it was in my day…