The Brit Awards 2018

“I feel so humbled” – Fucking Everyone

Music is secondary at the Brit awards. Let’s be honest, we don’t sit through a 160-minute celebration of mediocrity under any pretence of seeing ‘art’. We sit through it hoping for drama! Really, when a music awards show is launched by ‘Man’s Not Hot‘ you know something has gone wrong.

Ed Sheeran (nominated for best single, best album, best video and best British artist) walked away with the Global Success Award, described by Alexis Petridis in The Guardian as “a gong that always carries the air of a hastily invented consolation prize doled out to someone too popular to ignore”. He’s not wrong; the Brits are hopelessly populous. Speaking of which, Foo Fighters? Best international band? For the fourth time running? Have these people not listened to any rock music since 2008?

Drop back into 2018: pyrotechnics, cheerleaders and smashing up a Lamborghini all failed to save Kendrick Lamar from a thoroughly flat performance. The winner of best international solo artist, stooping to a desperate attempt at cliché rap swagger. And all from an awards show so safe it upgraded hosts from James Corden to Jack Whitehall.

Stormzy, winner of Best British album and Best British Male Solo Artist, was the only grime artist present – seemingly not held up at the bingo hall with his newfound fanbase.

Although in his defence he did push some political buttons with his freestyle rap at the end of the night, “Yo Theresa, where’s the money for Grenfell?”. Street Cred: stable.

Rag’n’Bone Man had a stab at edginess when accepting his award for Best British Single, “Let’s all go and get fucked up”. Easily censored, teaching us all if you’re trying to shock do it properly or you just look a…

cunt.

For proper speech etiquette you won’t do better than Damon Albarn. The creator of Gorillaz took to the stage three sheets to the wind and began to slur semi-coherent, anti-Brexit statements, before the mic could be muted. That’s all I want from an award ceremony: a pissed middle-aged dad, frantically being quashed mid-rant.

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