Lackaday, the beautiful 11 Bublé/Carey/Wham! free months we get each year is over, and the 10 song Christmas playlist that every shop, cafe and crematorium plays for the whole month is here. Unfortunately, due to the nightmare that is Christmas shopping we are all guaranteed to have this offensively cheery nonsense thrust upon us, for the veteran only thankfully a few hours but for the rest of us perhaps days.
It’s not enough that we are forced to have garish decorations everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, or that self checkouts have started Ho Ho Ho-ing at us with every use, we have to be audibly assaulted from all fronts by these tracks of terror. What makes it so much worse than your standard over-played crap on the radio is that we’ve been subjected to these specific tracks year after year, leading to a build up of resentment unseen by any other tracks (bar of course Rebecca Black’s Friday).
The only songs to be produced that can even rival these songs’ years of built up resentment are also the ones that are jammed into the charts at Christmastime with the force of a thousand suns, X Factor number ones. Modern and yet somehow as dated as Bublé and even Wham!, this crooning crap forces its way into the top 10 thanks to the brain-dead masses that make up the X Factor viewer-base, constantly adding to this landfill of music year on year and insuring our children, and our children’s children, will also experience this torture.
I accept this opinion is as old and repeated as the songs themselves but there are few phenomena quite like this inevitable musical barrage every December, and it makes Christmas shopping, which is already one of the most unpleasant experiences out there, even worse. However as horrific as it is for us, take a second to mourn all the retail workers out there forced to listen to this garbage 8 hours a day for weeks. The true heroes of Christmas.
Christmas has been attempted to be saved before, with a successful Facebook campaign putting Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name’ at number 1 in 2009 and Clean Bandit getting number 1 in 2016 with ‘Rockabye‘, however just achieving number 1 is not enough, we need to force companies to destroy those best of Christmas CDs (in as violent a way as possible) along with the very concept of Christmas music, and instead put on the most psychedelically chilled and calming lounge music they can find. If we can create music that makes you shit yourself, surely we can create music to stop mothers kicking the crap out of eachother over the last Roarin’ Tyler the Playful Tiger.